I’ve been thinking lately about how best to quantify Cobra Kai, which I love deeply even though it’s the Taco Bell equivalent of TV. I recently flippantly referred to it as a ‘karate soap opera,’ but I think that’s actually on the mark. My girlfriend got me into watching soaps when we were in college; the shit Cobra Kai does would make Stefano envious.

Cobra Kai is so deeply dumb, so incredibly stupid, so annoyingly melodramatic, you almost can’t believe they’re getting away with it. But I happily binge away. I tend to be precious with the time I allot for TV — or time in general — and get annoyed when a show wastes it. I’ve quit much better shows for much flimsier reasons.

It feels weird to start something like this talking about what I dislike, but the sheer quantity of Problems requires that I at least acknowledge them. But I want to get to the good stuff, so I’m gonna go rapid-fire, like Eminem spittin’ on “Rap God.”

• The premise lives and dies on the fact that karate is so vital to the Valley — and eventually the entire world — that people are still talking about who won a fight 40 years ago.
• Again: we’re talking about karate. Not football. Not even baseball. Karate. A sport people perform in pajamas.
• 50 and 60 year-old men regularly settle matters with their fists — or feet — and somehow nobody ends up in a wheelchair. Or dead.
• There is no law and order is only found in a dojo. People very occasionally go to jail for minor things like attempted murder but are back a few episodes later.
• The villainy is 80s cartoons bad. There is no nuance, just evil for the sake of giving the good guys something to punch.
• I’m sorry but who is this show for exactly? People getting a contact high from the nostalgia or new fans? Because the former don’t care about high schoolers, and the latter don’t wanna watch grandpa struggle through a high kick.
• I could’ve used a lot more Stingray.
• Enough with Daniel LaRusso already. He’s had an entire trilogy.
• The Sekai Taikai is a stupid name and also a stupid tournament.

On the other side of the seesaw is Johnny Lawrence and a bunch of 80s references, including a killer setlist. Somehow it actually balances out.