I'm not messing around with that title.

This truly is the definitive ranking. Not necessarily because my opinions are infallible, or the best, though I think they're pretty okay. It's definitive more due to the length of this article.

Most sites keep these to 3-4 paragraphs per entry at most, because it's actually really hard to write 20 of these things. In fact, many sites farm it out to multiple writers, and even then only supply a handful of paragraphs for justification.

Weak sauce.

I'm tempted to call this my magnum opus, but that seems like a once-in-a-lifetime moniker, so I'll reserve it for a book or novel. This is the longest article I've published here at All the Fanfare, beating the previous champ—a 24-minute exploration of the Point Break bromance—by 2 minutes. It's not the longest article I've ever written; that "honor" belongs to a 40-minute piece I wrote for The Writing Cooperative about how I'd fix The Rise of Skywalker.

Yes, more Star Wars. At least I'm on brand.

I’ve ranked Star Wars before, but each list eventually went stale because they keep making these things. I’ve also discovered my opinions sometimes change. Is that a sign of maturity or Stockholm syndrome?

I'm excluding the made-for-TV Ewok movies from this list because I don't remember them, and I suspect revisiting them just to include them isn't worth my time. Someone somewhere is probably wondering why I’m excluding their favorite animated show. That’s a great question! I’m so glad you asked. 

I have a few reasons, actually.

1. I haven’t seen all the animated shows. I’m not a huge fan of cartoons—is it demeaning to call them that?—which is kinda weird because they’re the only thing I’ve grown out of. Still love D&D, still play video games, still giggle at farts. Many animated shows don’t properly respect gravity, in every sense of the word, which stops me from completely buying in. It’s a me-thing.
2. The only animated show I’d put side-by-side with good Star Wars is Rebels. I couldn’t get into The Bad Batch, and The Clone Wars is vastly overrated (apart from the last handful of episodes). If I put those shows on the list, they’d just be jockeying for position with the Prequels.
3. Most of you have probably never seen the animated shows either.

On to the rankings.

20. The Holiday Special

A show that lives in infamy.

The Holiday Special is one of the worst things ever created by the hands of men. It's The Room levels of bad, but you can totally enjoy The Room ironically. The Holiday Special is an excruciating watch, one undertaken only by the most devout or masochistic of fans, and only the one time. It's like frying bacon naked—some experiences are so painful you never want to do them again.

Hoping to cash in on the success of Star Wars, the special was created for CBS by out-of-touch producers and coked-out writers. Which explains how you get a Bea Arthur song and dance, an uncomfortably long scene of grandpa Wookiee enjoying VR porn, suggestions of beastiality, and a Jefferson Starship music video... because they are named Jefferson Starship. Impossibly, incredibly, the original cast returns. Poor Harrison Ford.

The Holiday Special aired on November 17, 1978. And never again. George Lucas spent a not inconsiderate amount of time disavowing the special and trying to scrub it from existence. To the point that for the entirety of my childhood, it was just a horrible rumor. Eventually a bootleg copy found its way into my VCR. One cannot unsee such atrocities.

Even today, in this age of unfettered access, you can't find it on any streamer. Not even the one Disney owns. If you're the type of person who likes to light money on fire, you'll have to find different kindling because you can't buy it. Strangely, it proliferates on YouTube. You'd think Disney would strike it down. It's almost like they don't want to claim ownership.

One good thing came from tragedy: A Disturbance in the Force, a documentary about the creation of the special, is both well-made and entertaining. Watching the documentary also unearthed some extraordinary, often uncomfortable truths about Star Wars.

19. The Rise of Skywalker

I know hate leads to the Dark Side. But like Marty McFly convinced he has to warn Doc Brown about getting fatally shot, it’s a risk I have to take.

I hate this movie. I called it an unmitigated disaster when it came out. I stand by those words. 

There is nothing redeeming about this movie. Nothing. I’m generally a glass half-full kind of guy, and I can always find the good in any Star Wars. But not this time. It’s not there to find.

I saw this film on opening night. Worse, I subjected my children to it. I’m lucky the courts didn’t take them away.

I’ve yet to see it again. 

The worst part is how it makes the rest of the sequel trilogy completely irrelevant. I haven’t revisited any of it, even though I love both The Force Awakens and The Last Jedi. 

2019 was also the year Game of Thrones crapped at the finish line and fell face-first into its own mess. Rough year at the Pierce household.

18. Attack of the Clones 

You’re probably thinking, “Wait—Attack of the Clones is worse than The Phantom Menace? Impossible.”

Search your feelings, you know it to be true.

In some ways, you can tell Attack of the Clones was a course correction from The Phantom Menace. It’s faster paced, has more action, and there’s little talk of treaties or trade federations. But that doesn’t necessarily make it better. 

George Lucas decided to tell a love story even though his heart was clearly never in it. This is the guy who cut a scene of 9-year-old Anakin Skywalker leaving his mother because it was too emotional. The guy whose go-to direction to improve a scene is “faster, more intense.” The guy who thought a line complaining about sand was a sure-fire way into Padme’s holy of holies. 

The absolute failure of the Padme-Anakin love story isn’t entirely George’s fault. He only cast everyone, wrote the script, oversaw everything from the director’s chair, and rearranged the actors in post-production like digital puppets.

It still might’ve worked, but Anakin is tragic in all the wrong ways.

He’s a humorless one percenter complaining about how deeply unfair his life is. A chosen one by way of a My Chemical Romance music video. A Romeo who alternates between whining to Juliet and perving on her. He has zero redeeming qualities. And he's supposed to be the hero of the film! 

I honestly feel a little glad when Count Dooku feeds him Force Lightning and cuts his arm off.